I was unsure how
to do
this ‘Dad’ thing.
What was my role?
Holding a hand? Pushing a swing?
Yet, there you were, this new unit:
Madonna and Child.
And where did I fit?

So, I looked around and found, in my past
And on screens, I’d seen:

Hold fast and stay
Love finds a way.

It did!
Raspberry blower, shoulder lifts
Big air thrower, bringer of gifts.
Not between, but around you two
I grew
To fit you both inside my fortress heart.

But then…

He died.

And what could I do?

We clung, one to another, but I knew
Our chances were slim.
I’m not dim
Without him we didn’t know how to fit.
And I’d sit, invisible, while flowers and sympathy flowed to you
And no-one knew how to talk to me.
Not really
I’m not even sure if they could see me.
Like, maybe I’m Spanish, and they don’t speak my language.

And the only thing bigger than my need to get through
Alone
Is this massive aching need for help
Unknown.
Beyond sad. I’m broken
Busted
Shattered
Splintered
Split in twain.
I am in pain.

I must stay strong.

But I can’t;
He’s gone.

Scared that I might lose you too,
I don’t know what to do.

Hold-fast and stay.

Can love find a way inside my pride to see my need?
Help me
Please.
I’m trying to stand
But the slightest breeze will bring me down
Tumbling
Crumbling down:
A fortress heart with brittle walls
That falls silently
Invisibly
Inwardly
With no-one to see and no-one to care
If you’re not there.

And always that thought – to survive til tomorrow
An aching need to drown my sorrow.
Can you see me?
I’m drowning.
When will my help come down from the mountain?

“Hold-fast and stay
Love, so they say,
Love finds a way.”