Excuse me shopkeeper, but could I confirm?
I have this one item I’d like to return

At first, it seemed perfect, the service was good
The product was working well, just like it should.
Its lines were so pleasing, alluring and sleek
My friends were all jealous, my wife was so chic.
I was in love. My thinking was dented;
I went for a purchase – I should have just rented.

So, now, here we are: many years down the line.
I’m sorry to say, she is not looking fine.
The tummy, once taut, has lost its elastic;
The sex, I’m afraid, is not quite fantastic.
The children’s requirements are all that she heeds;
She’s not at all eager to service my needs.

She wanted these children I generously sired
So why does she always complain that she’s tired?

When we were younger, she laughed when I joked
So hot for my humour she practically smoked
Now, it appears, I can do nothing right
She sighs all the time and she’s really uptight.
Just cos we had kids, why should she be
Any less loving and loyal to me?

When I made my purchase, I’m sure you will see
It came with a promised life-long guarantee;
And I’d say she’s broken her side of the deal
By failing to keep that same vibrant appeal.
Now me? I have made sure to stay nice and trim.
I never once failed to find time for the gym!

I’m sure there’s still totty that’s hot for my action
It’s time that I found myself new satisfaction.
I understand there’ll be a severance fee;
It’s worth it, I’m certain, to set myself free.
I’ve most of my hair left, and great zest for life.
Please can I return her: my first former wife?